


a devil put aside for me

by himitsutsubasa



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, References to Croatoan/Endverse (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28107948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/himitsutsubasa/pseuds/himitsutsubasa
Summary: Charlie and Sam figure, what the hell? Cas has never been high before. They should give it a shot.Dean never told them what happened to Endverse!Cas.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 73





	a devil put aside for me

**Author's Note:**

> [Original Here](https://himitsutsubasa.tumblr.com/post/637653007144763392/dean-is-drying-his-hair-with-a-very-soft-towel)  
> https://himitsutsubasa.tumblr.com/post/637653007144763392/dean-is-drying-his-hair-with-a-very-soft-towel

Dean is drying his hair with a very soft towel (thank you, Charlie) and thinking about what he’s going to make everyone for dinner when he hears them.

They’re giggling.

Dean pauses for a second before following the sounds to the Dean Cave where the door is wide open. He sees Charlie first. Her head is tossed back as she laughs and laughs and laughs at something Sam said. The recliners were pushed off the to the side a while ago to make room for a couch. The more the merrier, Dean said. Sam is kicking back in one of the recliners now, staring at the ceiling and giggling. Fucking giggling. There’s a ziplock bag and what looks like a brownie in it.

Then there’s Cas. He’s kicked back on the other recliner with the most languid look on his face and Dean does some quick math.

Cas turns to him and smiles all buttery soft with a half-lidded gaze and Dean... Dean can smell the acrid tang of sulfer in the air and hear the rattling of pills over gunshots and taste Castiel’s blood on his tongue.

He proceeds to lose his shit.

He’s there in the woods and Castiel’s voice rings in his ears chirping about banging some gongs before the lights go out and purring about how he likes the past version of Dean and Dean wonders if that Castiel would look at him now and say the same thing, say that he’s the one that Castiel is willing to leave his much better club for. He wonders if he's still the man who could say 'it’s time to go out in a blaze of glory, win or lose', and Castiel would say 'he's in' because that’s just how that he rolls. If at the end, Cas would be okay if all they had was each other. The very touch of him corrupts and he can see the other Castiel falling, see the fallen angel falling to his knees and screaming when the other Dean does not wake up and Dean wonders if his Castiel, his Cas, would scream his loss to the heavens if Dean stopped breathing right there because he can’t breathe. He can’t. Breathe.

In hindsight, he is very very thankful they’re not that high. Any higher and he’s worried that this would actually be the end because before he knows it a pained sound is ripped out of his throat and he’s on his knees. The air has been sucked out of the room and he feels like an astronaut with no way home.

Then he feels it. Warmth.

Cas. He looks up and Cas’ aren’t glassy like the other Cas’ were. They’re clear. They’re clear and Dean wonders if they’ve always been this clear. They’re eyes like the sky and stunning and bright and the lights of the room look like stolen stars in an endless blue twilight.

They’re not even Cas' eyes, a panicked part of Dean screams. They’re Jimmy Novak’s and Cas is just borrowing them. Technically, a small part of Dean says, Jimmy Novak died the first time Cas was obliterated and doesn’t that just have an awesome ring to it? So to say that Cas is wearing Jimmy isn’t even that right anymore, not that it helps, because Dean can’t even see what Cas looks like, actually looks like, and isn’t that another failure? Another mistake? Another example of him not being good enough for this? Cas had said only special people could see his true form and Dean was not one of them. Was he disappointed then? Had Dean already failed before he even got to see his angel?

“Breathe. Dean. Breathe.”

The strong hands rests on the back of his neck and presses his forehead against Cas’ shoulder and Dean inhales deep and labored. He can smell himself on Cas. Cas loves wearing his clothes, probably because they’re almost the same size, but right now, Dean is immensely thankful because Cas smells like petrichor, musk, and Dean’s detergent, and Dean inhales deeply. He inhales and let’s the smell of the rain and soft flowery scent of that detergent Cas picked out at the store wash over him and sweep away the sulfuric burn of a world that he’s not in. He’s not there now. He’s in the bunker. Cas is murmuring in his ear. Cas is not a drug-addicted, orgy-having fallen angel about to walk into the line of fire for a man who doesn’t deserve him. Cas is safe.

He’s faintly aware that he’s crying. His face is wet, when hands come to rest on his shoulder and it’s Charlie and Sam. They’re murmuring at his shoulders and Dean can feel himself slowly calming down.

“How are you guys so calm?” Dean chokes out, face still pressed into Cas’ shoulder.

There’s a beat.

“It’s a relaxing strain.” Charlie explains. “You’ll get the giggles at first, but then it just mellows you out.”

He can hear Sam’s deep voice rumble to his left. “Dean, what happened?”

Dean doesn’t say anything. They help him to his feet and it’s a haze between the den and his room, but he’s seated on the edge of his bed. There’s a towel blanket wrapped around his shoulders and his hair is still a little damp. Sam is next to him and Charlie is hovering nearby. Cas is standing some way off and Dean wishes now that he hadn’t shown Cas this moment of weakness because the angel, even if he’s a man now, doubts. He has doubts. Dean knows because if an angel can harbor doubts about heaven, an angel can harbor doubts about Dean Winchester.

“Never Dean Winchester,” the voice in his head that sounds a lot like Cas supplies, but Dean never listens to that voice.

“I told you once, that I was sent to an alternate future?”

There’s a hum, a questioning sound, and Cas... Cas just inclines his head to show he’s listening, perfectly silent.

“In that one...” Dean chokes on the words. “In that universe a lot happened...”

Charlie and Cas give him questioning looks, but they don’t press. Dean is pretty sure Sam will fill them in later. Dean tugs the blanket closer around himself, exhausted.

"The other Cas, Castiel, lost his grace. He was human. He had orgies to fuck the pain away and he was always hopped up on something or other. The other Dean... the other Dean didn’t care about him and Castiel gave up and..”

Dean looks up and sees Charlie covering her mouth with her hand. Sam is staring resolutely anywhere but Cas and Dean. Cas... Cas is staring at Dean like he can still see Dean’s soul. Dean wonders if he can see all the stains and all the regrets. Every time he asked Cas to leave when he wanted Cas to stay. Every rude comment and mean outburst when all he wanted was the angel’s hand at his nape and the angel’s breath in his ear telling him everything would be alright.

“He followed the other Dean on a suicide mission to get me home and...”

His voice breaks. “You screamed his name so loud, Cas.”

It was an inhuman sound. A sound so terrible it almost made Dean fall to his knees.

Cas.

Cas walks out and Dean feels the pained feeling from before rise in his chest until it tightens around his throat like a noose.

Slowly, slowly he catches his breath again.

Sam’s hand is on his shoulder, guiding him to lie down and his voice is in his ear. “Dean, why don’t you get some rest? I’ll talk to Cas.”

Dean is... Dean stares up at the dark ceiling, unsure when Sam or Charlie turned the lights out. A million thoughts flit through his mind and it feels like a million prayers wouldn’t be enough to make them go away. Dean closes his eyes and lets the exhaustion, the emptiness, take him.

💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙💚💙

There’s figure at the end of his bed. Dean isn’t sure how long they’ve been there, but he’s pretty sure that they mean him no harm. If they do, he would be dead already and wouldn’t that be a blessing? Life is simple that way sometimes.

Dean turns on the light and finds Cas. Cas’ eyes are red rimmed and his nose is a little pink and Dean hates how his cheeks are flushed and his lips are chapped and he did this. He made Cas cry. He made an angel cry.

He’s done worse, but this really feels like it takes the cake in this moment.

“You never told me,” Cas whispers. His voice is hoarser than normal. Dean likes and hates it, likes the sound but hates the reason why.

“I didn’t want to,” he admits.

A beat. Cas eyes him and Dean tamps down on the urge to grab Cas and shake him like he can shake the sadness out.

“I can understand that,” Cas says. His eyes are wet again and Dean can feel the tension in his chest racket up once again. “Across universes, there is one constant.”

“Cas...” Dean thinks it sounds like a prayer, probably because it is.

“Dean, I know what that other Castiel was thinking. I’ve thought it myself many times.”

Cas is smiling. He’s smiling like Dean has never seen him smile before. It’s bright and beautiful and warm like all that is good.

“Still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester.”

It hits him like a sucker punch. Beautiful. Cas... Cas still thinks his soul is beautiful.

“I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the way I saw myself, as a blunt instrument for our father's to wield, but we are so much more than that. You are so much more than the destruction and pain you think you're made of. You think your heart is full of hate, but your heart has more love than it can hold. You are the most loving person on Earth. You taught me how to care, first you, then Sam, then everyone else on this planet. You, Dean Winchester, think you don't deserve absolution, don't deserve love when that's the furthest thing from the truth. You are so deserving of love that even when the world ends and I lose my mind, even when I’m no longer an angel, I still choose to be by your side. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me. You changed me.”

Dean is clutching the sheets, his knuckles white. “Why are you saying this, Cas?”

“Because you need to hear it,” Cas says. He places a hand on Dean’s shoulder, where the mark once was, and pulls him close.

“I love you,” Cas whispers.

“I...” Dean breathes.

Cas smiles beatifically, tears in his eyes. “You don’t have to say it back. Love is not in the having. It’s in the being.”

Later, he will chalk this moment up to his exhaustion, to the uncomfortable sleep, to the nightmares and the resounding sound of Castiel’s scream ringing in his ear drums. He will say it was uncharacteristic of him, while knowing that is all true because there was no other way he would have been this honest. He will be incredibly glad that he wasn’t himself because he doesn’t brush it off. Doesn’t make it a joke.

“I can’t say it now.”

Cas is his best friend. He has a hard enough time saying that. Cas is family. He has a hard time saying that too. He doesn’t know how hard it will be to say what he wants to say.

“Then I’ll wait.”

“I’m sorry, Cas,” Dean whispers and he knows it’s not enough. He knows it not what Cas wants to hear, but he thinks this is what he wishes he had said ages ago. “I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I kicked you out. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry I didn’t trust you. You're more than my best friend. You're more than family. I need you and I need you and I need you, but I don’t know how to keep you. I don't know how to treat you right. I’m sorry for making you wait.”

Their foreheads are pressed together and Dean can feel Castiel’s nose brushing against his own. He can feel the warm slick of Cas’ tears as they flow down Dean’s cheeks. He’s made his angel cry again.

Cas whispers, just barely loud enough for Dean to hear, “You are worth it. I’ve waited for longer than time has existed for you.”

Cas presses a soft kiss to his lips and Dean lets him. He lets him and in that moment it feels like universes are created.

**Author's Note:**

> I love you.  
> And I, you.
> 
> Alternatively Titled: Cas determines that "every me loves every you" is the one constant in all universes.  
> Thank you for reading. Comments and kudos appreciated. [Follow me on tumblr.](https://himitsutsubasa.tumblr.com)


End file.
